I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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