I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
