Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
it's great music for shaving your balls
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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