I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
