Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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