It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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