who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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