new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
