I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
