Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
