Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
