Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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