he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
