so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
