Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
