i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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