there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
