My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
