Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
