I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Send help, water and tortillas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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