I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
