Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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