Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
