So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
