Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
