Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
