then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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