I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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