im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
