guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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