I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
