Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
