i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
