She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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