About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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