So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Someone came in the potted fern
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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