remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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