even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
