we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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