We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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