i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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