Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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