Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
