Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
