I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
