there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
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Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
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They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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