When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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