I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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