We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
