I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
