I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
