i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
