it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
