im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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