he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Are my feet made of real feet?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
