I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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