one might say we're banned from that church
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
