Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
