More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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